I don't talk about my day job much on my hobby sites. This time its different. I'm the founder of School Sucks, a tongue-in-cheek website with free homework and other interactive stuff for teens and students. School Sucks gets lots of media attention - I get to talk about education reform and lots of other things. If you read the news or watch 60 Minutes reruns, you've seen my baby. I do hundreds of interviews a year for School Sucks since 1996. I've been interested in all things media since before I could put on a tie (I still can't). I was in the Israel Defense Forces for the last Gulf War. For this one, I stocked up on munchies and watched it on TV with one of my School Sucks partners..

In all my years of watching people talk to the media, I've never seen ANYONE even CLOSE to as funny as Baghdad Bob. From a spokesman/PR/soundbite point of view, Baghdad Bob is at the top of the mountain, and it kicks ass.

Even President Bush realized he was watching the genius-spokesman of the millenium:

"He's my man, he was great," Bush enthused in an interview with NBC's Tom Brokaw on Thursday. "Somebody accused us of hiring him and putting him there. He was a classic." Bush said he had made a point of watching Sahaf, as well as scenes such as the toppling of a huge bronze likeness of Saddam Hussein. "I did watch some of his clips," he said. "I get a lot of things secondhand, but in the case of the statue or Sahaf, somebody would say, he's getting ready to speak and I'd pop out of a meeting or turn and watch the TV."

Look at that face. Now read these quotes and tell me you're not crying in laughter!!! My comments are in italics. We start off with a movie quote from Baghdad Bob..

As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in "Wag the Dog".

Wag the fucking dog hahahaha!!

We slaughtered them yesterday and we will continue to slaughter them.

Blair... is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured.

I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!

Who knew!!

I can assure you that those villains [American and British] will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place.

That's the kinda quote that'll make you cry.

I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly.

I love this play-by-play! I wanna see Baghdad Bob with John Madden, I wanna see him open Saturday Night Live and spend time with The Pathological Liar and Dennis Miller. I want Baghdad Bob announcing boxing, basketball, extreme sports. I'm not kidding - this man is a fucking goldmine for the entertainment industry. Baghdad Bob on Hannity & Colmes, with Morley Safer on 60 Minutes. Think of the merchandising. Think of the movies. Use digital technology and get Baghdad Bob on the big screen with John Belushi and Chris Farley. Baghdad Bob and Sam Kinison.

It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait.

Yeah, that it. That's the ticket!

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.

The non-chalant Baghdad Bob.

No, I am not scared and neither should you be!

Remember The Trial, from Cheech & Chong? I can hear Baghdad Bob talking with that laughter in the background!

The United Nations [is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans.

So we all agree that the UN sucks!

They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion.

Today, the tide has turned, we are destroying them.

W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see that he is brought to trial.

We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked.

We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted.

When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfarthers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves.

Baghdad Bob is The Master.

You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay.

Britain is not worth an old shoe.

These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying

Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege.

I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly.

"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"

Another knee-slapper from The Master.

[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"

About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."

Now it was time to do some of my own Baghdad Bobs. I'm mostly into 60's and 70's culture. Enjoy!

Baghdad Bob with The Beatles and Donovan in India in the 60's.

You should know most of these..

Quadrophenia!
Baghdad Bob meets Cheech & Chong!

With all the above, it was Baghdad Bob's walk off into the sunset that has guaranteed him immortality:

Fox News was bouncing between two screens - one of American tanks inside Baghdad and the other of Baghdad Bob giving one of his brilliant press conferences from around the corner from the American tanks. Baghdad Bob's Historical Moment. He didn't leave when he knew the tanks were really down the street. At one point Baghdad Bob and the media next to him clearly reacted to the sound of something that scared them but he kept on talking!

He soon drove away. He tried to turn himself in. Are you ready for this? US soldiers wouldn't take him. He wasn't wanted. So he drove to his aunt's house in Baghdad and is staying there since the war ended. This is Baghdad Bob's drive off into the sunset:

He unsuccessfully tried to turn himself into US forces and then drove to his aunt's.

Kenny Sahr kenny@sahr.com